“I never thought that one day, I’d lose you.”
These are the exact thought in my mind the day we both left the apartment that we considered our home for half a year. The weight of the world seems to be upon me as I packed my clothes and other belongings. I wanted to beg you to stay, a couple of hours before your flight abroad. But I didn’t want to be selfish; it’s for your own good. You had bigger plans for your life, things you thought you couldn’t achieve if you just stay in Manila.
Do you still remember the day that I told you that you were my answered prayer? You were the exact person I envisioned for myself to spend the rest of my life with. We had a lot of things in common, hence, I enjoyed your company and have even come to love and understand your many interests in life. Do you still remember how much I loved you? Do you still recall the days that I didn’t care how the world look at me?
It seems like yesterday when I went down on my knees before you on the public, asking you not to leave me after you told me that we were not meant to be. Despite looking like a fool, I kept on repeating to you that I loved you. The memory of me waiting for you outside your gate is still fresh on my mind. Back then, I would have done everything just so you wouldn’t leave me. I don’t remember doing anything wrong for you to tell that I didn’t like you. Maybe it was your own insecurities that were telling you that I didn’t like you. I was crying back then waiting for you to talk to me. But you never gave me the chance and told me repeatedly to just “go home.”
A few days before our planned to live together we fought for something that I couldn’t recall. On the same week, you told me that you were seeing someone new. You have no idea how much this news broke me to the core. Despite this, I helped you carry your things because you needed someone to help you. I was still there for you.
My friends kept telling me that I was stupid because I kept on forgiving you. I guess what they were saying is true, but that’s how much I loved you. I loved you so bad I didn’t care if you kept on hurting me. It was too late when I realized that I was foolish, that I was giving you the power to upset me. Did you even know how you made me feel?
Our relationship was like a roller coaster ride. It was exciting, fun, and at the same time scary. I was scared and paranoid, suspicious of your every move. Nevertheless, I didn’t entertain the idea that one day you could do such thing to me, that one day you would break my heart into pieces.
It was a cold rainy night and while we were cuddling, talking about our future plans, you turned silent all of a sudden. As I held your hand, tears started to stream down from your eyes.
I asked what’s wrong, but you didn’t respond and continued crying. I insisted that we should talk; you said you could no longer bear it. You told me that you knew I would hate you, but couldn’t stand the pain of lying to me every day.
I kept my calm while waiting for you to speak. Then slowly, you said, “I cheated. I bring someone here whenever you’re not around for fun.”
My shock was so complete I wasn’t able to utter a single word. I tried to hold back my tears, but they wouldn’t stop from falling. Then I asked, “How could you do that to me? Did I do anything wrong? How can you afford to bring someone and do it on the same bed where we sleep?!”
It was hours of crying and me trying to understand your excuses. It ended when I said that I didn’t want to sleep there anymore. I packed my things while you were trying to convince me not to leave because it was too late and it was also raining.
I didn’t let you stop me. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world while I’m leaving our place going back home. I didn’t care about the possibility that something bad might happen to me in the middle of the night. I just wanted to go as far away from you as possible.
We tried to fix things weeks before your flight. I tried to be normal and spend the rest of your days here with love and happiness. We both tried to fight for our relationship when you were abroad. We accepted the challenge of a long distance relationship, but in the end, you gave up on us, saying that you couldn’t handle it anymore. You even offered an option if we could try an “open relationship” Hey! I know what that means, so I said no. If you couldn’t handle this, then it’s better to end it. How could you want an open relationship when I was jealous of all people who get to see you every day.
If you love that much, the idea of a breakup is like a nightmare. I was officially broken and I admit that regardless how much pain you gave me you were not easy to forget. It hurt so much that it took me almost a year before I could say, “I’m fcking okay!”
Today, the ideas of being cheated or a breakup fear me less. I’m still human; I know how painful to be hurt by someone you truly love. But because of all these experiences that I’ve been through I learned to be strong for myself. I learned to handle my emotion and I learned when to give up when it’s no longer worth it to hold on.
The idea of moving on is easier said than done, but if people are intentionally hurting me, then I don’t want to stress myself anymore. I just let them go and I stay strong and move on.
I learned how to move on easily and I also learned not to look back. The past can never be changed and I don’t want to miss the opportunity that lies ahead. I can’t answer the question on how many times should you forgive the person who knowingly hurt you, but I leave you with this – How many times should you allow people to hurt you, especially when you don’t deserve it?