“I never thought that one day, I’d lose you.”
These are the exact thought in my mind the day we both left the apartment that we considered our home for half a year. The weight of the world seems to be upon me as I packed my clothes and other belongings. I wanted to beg you to stay, a couple of hours before your flight abroad. But I didn’t want to be selfish; it’s for your own good. You had bigger plans for your life, things you thought you couldn’t achieve if you just stay in Manila.
Do you still remember the day that I told you that you were my answered prayer? You were the exact person I envisioned for myself to spend the rest of my life with. We had a lot of things in common, hence, I enjoyed your company and have even come to love and understand your many interests in life. Do you still remember how much I loved you? Do you still recall the days that I didn’t care how the world look at me?
It seems like yesterday when I went down on my knees before you on the public, asking you not to leave me after you told me that we were not meant to be. Despite looking like a fool, I kept on repeating to you that I loved you. The memory of me waiting for you outside your gate is still fresh on my mind. Back then, I would have done everything just so you wouldn’t leave me. I don’t remember doing anything wrong for you to tell that I didn’t like you. Maybe it was your own insecurities that were telling you that I didn’t like you. I was crying back then waiting for you to talk to me. But you never gave me the chance and told me repeatedly to just “go home.”
A few days before our planned to live together we fought for something that I couldn’t recall. On the same week, you told me that you were seeing someone new. You have no idea how much this news broke me to the core. Despite this, I helped you carry your things because you needed someone to help you. I was still there for you.
My friends kept telling me that I was stupid because I kept on forgiving you. I guess what they were saying is true, but that’s how much I loved you. I loved you so bad I didn’t care if you kept on hurting me. It was too late when I realized that I was foolish, that I was giving you the power to upset me. Did you even know how you made me feel?
Our relationship was like a roller coaster ride. It was exciting, fun, and at the same time scary. I was scared and paranoid, suspicious of your every move. Nevertheless, I didn’t entertain the idea that one day you could do such thing to me, that one day you would break my heart into pieces.
It was a cold rainy night and while we were cuddling, talking about our future plans, you turned silent all of a sudden. As I held your hand, tears started to stream down from your eyes.
I asked what’s wrong, but you didn’t respond and continued crying. I insisted that we should talk; you said you could no longer bear it. You told me that you knew I would hate you, but couldn’t stand the pain of lying to me every day.
I kept my calm while waiting for you to speak. Then slowly, you said, “I cheated. I bring someone here whenever you’re not around for fun.”
My shock was so complete I wasn’t able to utter a single word. I tried to hold back my tears, but they wouldn’t stop from falling. Then I asked, “How could you do that to me? Did I do anything wrong? How can you afford to bring someone and do it on the same bed where we sleep?!”
It was hours of crying and me trying to understand your excuses. It ended when I said that I didn’t want to sleep there anymore. I packed my things while you were trying to convince me not to leave because it was too late and it was also raining.
I didn’t let you stop me. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world while I’m leaving our place going back home. I didn’t care about the possibility that something bad might happen to me in the middle of the night. I just wanted to go as far away from you as possible.
We tried to fix things weeks before your flight. I tried to be normal and spend the rest of your days here with love and happiness. We both tried to fight for our relationship when you were abroad. We accepted the challenge of a long distance relationship, but in the end, you gave up on us, saying that you couldn’t handle it anymore. You even offered an option if we could try an “open relationship” Hey! I know what that means, so I said no. If you couldn’t handle this, then it’s better to end it. How could you want an open relationship when I was jealous of all people who get to see you every day.
If you love that much, the idea of a breakup is like a nightmare. I was officially broken and I admit that regardless how much pain you gave me you were not easy to forget. It hurt so much that it took me almost a year before I could say, “I’m fcking okay!”
Today, the ideas of being cheated or a breakup fear me less. I’m still human; I know how painful to be hurt by someone you truly love. But because of all these experiences that I’ve been through I learned to be strong for myself. I learned to handle my emotion and I learned when to give up when it’s no longer worth it to hold on.
The idea of moving on is easier said than done, but if people are intentionally hurting me, then I don’t want to stress myself anymore. I just let them go and I stay strong and move on.
I learned how to move on easily and I also learned not to look back. The past can never be changed and I don’t want to miss the opportunity that lies ahead. I can’t answer the question on how many times should you forgive the person who knowingly hurt you, but I leave you with this – How many times should you allow people to hurt you, especially when you don’t deserve it?
I find myself relating to this. It takes many disappointments, challenges and heartbreak to become a strong person. It took me 3 incidents for me to realize that I don’t deserve the hurt. I tried my best to stay to accept but I just could no longer find it in me to continue on in a relationship that made me sad.
Be strong always! Thanks 🙂
You’re very strong to write this! I’m sure everyone has experienced heartbreak, but some people admit it more than others (I don’t! haha) It has something to do with ego, or even strength and belief in yourself. I applaud you for making this post :)r
Sometimes some relationships are not meant to be.. they are there so that you discover more about yourself and know what is it that you really want/ need.
Grabe, I feel you! haha. I remember when my BF way back 2006, broke up with me, said he couldn’t take the LDR anymore, only to find out later on, my iba na pala syang gusto. Eng sheket shekeeet!!! haha. Pero I moved on, and fast forward to now, I learned that he’s done some terrible things in life that made me really thank God for our break up. I’m now happily married to the man that I love and deserve. Keep it up, the one for you will be there soon. 🙂
natawa ko sa Eng sheket shekeeet!!! hahahah! Masakit lang talaga sa una… makaka move on din naman. HAHAHA!
I feel you my friend! Shit happens, but what matters is experiences like these teach you is that you can deal with things you thought you never could – that just makes you feel stronger, and more confident in your abilities to deal with chaos, pain and heartbreak! Congratulations for leaving behind someone/thing that wasn’t right for you 🙂
Oh, Cai! Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this. Breakups are never easy at whatever form. However, things do always change for the better and people move on as time passes. Stay brave and keep following your dreams!
I feel your pain 🙁 that is part of loving being hurt. But God has a bigger plan for you He will you give the best. He will let you feel the pain now and afterwards you will have happiness. Good for you were able to cope up easily.
thanks Anna 🙂
Aw Cai this was heartbreaking to read. We all get hurt in life – it’s inevitable but what counts is how you bounce back. The caption for that last photo made me smile: “I’m now a better version of myself.” That’s how pain helps us grow. Keep up the strength and courage, friend 🙂
I’m sorry for your loss, but it sounds like you did the right thing my moving on. Change is good. Let travel be your medicine!
Thanks Tracie 🙂 Appreciate it!
Time is the greatest doctor and the greatest healer my friend, you will be all right. Many a time what we see as something bad for us, heartbreaking, is actually something which turns out to be for our own good.
Most people never intentionally allow themselves to be hurt, it’s just part of the journey through life.
This is obviously a very personal piece, but sits a little at odds with your normal travel focus…
The hugot *slash* struggle is real. It’s always hard to start over but it’s also the best choice because you get to apply what you learn from your experiences. Just remember that people are always here and there to comfort or talk to you. 🙂
So brave of you, Cai! 🙂 At least you finally found the day to proudly say that you’re okay. You did not deserve what you had but consider it as part of the stronger version of yourself. Iba talaga ang mga salita ng pag-ibig: tagos at may hugot! 😀
Life is meant to be an on-going lesson and we have to learn from the things that happen to us. This break up made you a better person, and you should be looking back and smile, you had some good times too. We can’t keep a grudge, we have to forgive and move on. That makes us better and better.
You’re very brave to share your feelings publicly like this. I usually hide my sadness behind a joke. But you’re right to say that we all feel pain. I think it’s good that you let yourself feel all the sadness from the breakup instead of stuffing your feelings inside. That’s the best way to get through tough times.
That must have been so though! Break-ups are always hard. And easy to ‘get out’ damaged. I think it’s great that you feel stronger now. And that you learned things from this for yourself. I’ve had some break-ups. And mainly try not to take those feelings into a new relationship. To not compare. Or be afraid because of the things that happened in the past. I really love this quote “Work like you don’t need the money, Love like you’ve ever been hurt and dance like no one is looking!
A heartfelt message from the core. Once you’re old enough, and when you looked back you’ll realize that this is one of the things in life that taught you to be a stronger version of yourself. There’s always pain, you need to experience that and realize that in the future, you became stronger than before. I hope you can find your own happiness soon and while waiting, enjoy and relived your life like you never enjoyed it before.
I can feel the pain in your post. I salute you for being such a man. Only you knows how painful it is right now but believe me, everything gets better in time. The day will come that you’ll find the one who will never leave you behind and will never dare hurt you purposely. Just keep the faith. <3
What a great post. Moving on is hard, but once you make it through, all things will turn out alright.
Alam mo darating ang time, tatawanan mo lang ito. Ang pinakamaganda, pasasalamatan mo ang nangyaring ito. Unang una, matuto kang maging mas matibay. Ikalawa, mabuti na ang now, kaysa balang araw kung nakatali na kayo. Ok lang iyan. Ang masakit, depende na. Nandiyan na, masakit, pero nasa iyo kung ano ang gusto mong isipin. Kung iisipin mo masakit, matagal mag recover. Kung lalabanan e mas madali.
What an awful story, I’m sorry you had to go through that. But its only good to come out stronger and without people who willingly hurt you. Good on you!
When you love someone, you cannot avoid the pain but don’t be afraid to love again because someday you will find the right girl that is worth fighting for.
Galing ng hugot! hehehheh! God bless bro and keep it up. 🙂 Life is full of pain but always remember that God is good all the time! Cheers!!!!
Hahahha Thank you Melisa 🙂
It seems that I never learn coz I still let people hurt me. Maybe I’m really a masochist. Hurting so bad many times until I forget how ‘aching’ really feels. Yet I’m fine with it. Though my question is, do those people really know or feel that they left me breakin?
Hope you can do better next time, don’t let them intentionally hurt you 🙂
Nice Carlo, keep it up😊😊
Thanks Ate Mae,,, Umuwi ka pala ng pinas hehehe di man lang tayo nagkita 🙂
I feel so proud of you, Cai. 🙂
Thank you Pia 🙂